We Smiths are a large clan. We are # 1 in the English-speaking world. We declared jihad on the Joneses and the Johnsons a long time ago. They are chumps. We didn’t get to be the most prolific clan by sitting around eating Doritos and watching General Hospital. We are doers. Who was the greatest personality in the history of Miller Light commercials? Bubba SMITH! The most enterprising vixen of all time? Anna Nicole SMITH. The greatest lover of all time? Joseph SMITH. He had more wives than Carter’s has little pills. The guy was a stud.
Getting to the top of the pyramid and eliminating our enemies is no easy task. It takes great physical endurance, cunning, daring and trickery, but most of all it takes wisdom. As paterfamilias of the worldwide Smith empire, my primary job (besides issuing fatwas against the Jones and Johnson infidels), is to dispense wisdom. Every moment is a teaching moment, but some moments are more opportune and salient than others. Thanksgiving is one of them.
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