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Brett Arends' ROI
May 25, 2011, 12:06 a.m. EDT
By Brett Arends, MarketWatch
BOSTON (MarketWatch) "” The world is coming to an end. Again.
Harold E. Camping, the radio "Rapture" guy out in California, has told his followers that the world will end "” or, at least, that all the Chosen Ones will get raised up to Heaven "” on Oct. 21. (Camping gave this update after Saturday's big letdown, his second.)
I know what you're thinking: "What does this mean for my personal finances?"
Harold Camping, the broadcaster who predicted the world's end on May 21, says he got it wrong "” but not completely. Video courtesy of Reuters and photo courtesy of Getty Images.
Well, here at MarketWatch we've always got your back. So if you're getting ready for the Rapture, here are my 10 personal-finance tips.
1. Sell your stocks, now! Equities are a long-term investment, only appropriate for a portfolio of more than a few years. You don't know where you'll be on Oct. 21. And hey "” if you're one of the billions "left behind," the panic is going to create some awesome buying opportunities on the stock market anyway. Go liquid.
2. Stop paying into your 401(k). That goes for your IRA too. Dollar-cost averaging my eye. What are you saving up for? One way or another, we're all out of here. Even if you're left behind, End Times is only going to be seven years. Spend that money now.
3. Sell your home. Housing's another long-term investment. Oh, and on the day of the Rapture, says Camping, about 3% of the world will suddenly disappear to Heaven. That's going to leave a lot of empty homes "” further gloom for house prices. If you're getting ready for the Rapture, rent.
4. Don't wait for that brand-new 2011 Lexus. Why bother? The 2011 models aren't coming till August. You might only have two months to play around with it. Get that new car now.
5. Short oil, industrial commodities. We're going to lose millions of people when they get Called. That is totally going to take the pressure off resources worldwide. Say goodbye to $100 oil and $4 copper. And industrial production's going to tank anyway.
6. Buy gold. Yes, this is the moment the gold bugs have been waiting for. Even those holding certificates in gold ETFs are going to be in trouble. Buy bullion coins, like American Eagles or Krugerrands. These will be the only currency. End Times are Gold Times.
7. Stock up! You are going to need a lot of food, water and other essential supplies. Cans of soup, nonperishables, beef jerky: Get them now. Don't forget toilet paper. Nothing will make you want to go to the bathroom more than witnessing End Times, and toilet paper is one of those things you'll really miss when you no longer have it.
8. Sorry, but you still have to file your taxes. The extended deadline is Oct. 15. But End Times won't kick in till six days later. Bummer. Imagine if you don't file, figuring "Hey, a week from now I'll be out of here anyway," and then the big day comes and you don't get called. Then you're going to face a triple-whammy. You'll be stuck here on Earth for many years of turmoil and tribulation. You'll be heading for eternal damnation. And you'll owe the IRS a penalty and late filing fees. It will totally suck.
9. Fire your accountant. The good news: Taxes are going to be a lot simpler in End Times. Amid all the turmoil and misery, who is going to have time "” or opportunity "” to itemize? You're probably just going to go with the standard deductions anyway. Save yourself some money.
10. Buy a gun. What goes better with God and gold? When End Times come, you're going to be glad about packing heat to defend your home from marauding bands, giant winged beasts with the heads of a lion and suchlike. This is great news for gun maker Sturm, Ruger & Co. /quotes/comstock/13*!rgr/quotes/nls/rgr RGR -0.29% No wonder the stock is doing so well this year. Do investors know something?
Good luck. Oh, and if you have any more questions for me, please do remember to get in touch by Oct 21. I'm not expecting to be returning any emails after that.
Brett Arends is a senior columnist for MarketWatch and a personal-finance columnist for the Wall Street Journal.
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Brett Arends is an award-winning financial columnist with many years experience writing about markets, economics and personal finance in Europe and the U.S. He has received an individual award from the Society of American Business Editors and Writers for his financial writing, and was part of the Boston Herald team that won two others. He was educated at Cambridge and Oxford Universities, and has worked as an analyst at McKinsey & Co. He is a Chartered Financial Consultant (ChFC) and Accredited Asset Management Specialist (AAMS). His latest book, "Storm Proof Your Money," has just been published by John Wiley & Co.
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