Obama, the Veg-O-Matic President. Act Now!
Did you catch Barack Obama's This-Is-Not-A-Stimulus infomercial just before the NFL season kicked off last week? Were you amazed at how the wunderkind once hailed as the greatest orator of his generation has been reduced to a TV pitch man for a product that is so tired it can no longer be called by name?
Here is what our president read off his Teleprompter. Alas, this is what many of us heard:
"Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, do-nothing members of Congress, Tea Party terrorists, handmaidens of the media, and all you little people out there in TV land:
Tonight we meet at an urgent time. The economic crisis you hired me to fix has gotten even worse. As unemployment rises and my poll numbers sink it's harder to blame George Bush. Reporters keep asking, "What will this speech mean for the President?" TV viewers ask, "Will this windbag shut up before the game starts?"
Many people in this country work hard to meet their responsibilities. The rest are happy to take handouts from me. The question tonight is, can we stop the political circus long enough for Congress to spend another half trillion dollars so I can buy the votes I need to get re-elected? And if not, can I leverage this speech to blame my opponents?
So I am sending Congress a plan that you should pass right away. Call, email, fax, and tweet right now, operators are standing by! I call it the American Jobs Act, although around the West Wing the interns are drawing little Charlie Brown placekick cartoons captioned This Time For Sure.
There should be nothing controversial about this piece of legislation since you've seen it all before. But this time everything will be paid for. Everything! I have no clue how, but I promise to pass the buck to the suckers on the super duper committee so if they screw up there will be someone else to blame. That's why you should pass this bill right away.
The purpose of the American Jobs Act is simple: I have 14 months to save my job and I'm willing to spend unlimited amounts of your money to make sure that happens. This plan will buy more votes from construction workers, more votes from teachers, more votes from veterans, and more votes from the long-term unemployed. Sure, we have to borrow all this dough from the Chinese. But heck, by the time Bearded Ben is through all those T-Bills won't be worth the paper they're printed on.
Everyone knows that small businesses are where most new jobs begin. At least that's what my advisors tell me, having never had a real job myself. Pass this jobs bill - pass it now - and starting tomorrow, small businesses will get a tax cut if they hire new workers or if they raise workers' wages. Pass this jobs bill, and all small business owners will also see their payroll taxes cut in half next year. Sounds too good to be true? But wait, there's more!
There's a bridge that needs repair between Ohio and Kentucky spanning two of the most important voting districts in North America. A leaky faucet in Fargo. Broken windows in Wisconsin. Need your yard cleaned? No job too big or too small! Call now, operators are standing by!
And here's a special bonus for the first 35,000 callers - act now and we will repair and modernize your kid's school! Are you concerned about all the money we've already sunk into failing public schools just to watch dropout rates go up? Well, this time is different. This time we're going to eliminate all the waste and fraud.
So don't delay! Pass this jobs bill right now and companies will get a $4,000 tax credit if they hire anyone who has spent more than six months looking for a job. Plus free summer jobs for any teenager or illegal alien that ACORN registers to vote!
Some of you remember that when George McGovern ran for President he promised every American $1,000 dollars. Well, I'm going to do him one better. Act now and I promise $1,500 for every working American! That's right, $1,500 is yours for the asking. And if you're not working? $2,000 in extended unemployment benefits! In this time of prolonged hardship, where are you going to get a better deal? You should pass this bill right away.
I'm sure that if my fellow great orator and founder of the Republican Party Abraham Lincoln were alive today he would heartily endorse my plan. After all, didn't he finance the Transcontinental Railroad? OK, so it went bankrupt just like Solyndra. But nobody remembers that because journalists have the attention span of a flea.
Speaking of limited attention spans, I want everyone to repeat after me. Millionaires, Billionaires, Private Jets, Oil Companies - BAD. Teachers, teamsters, shared sacrifice, bridges and trains, Warren Buffet - GOOD. Got that?
Finally, did I mention the Infrastructure Bank I want to set up to funnel your money to construction unions? Of course not. I buried that in the fine print. After watching Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac incinerate $154 billion of your tax dollars chasing government mandates to increase homeownership by people who can't afford mortgage payments, who wants another government directed bank? Too bad, you're going to get it anyway! That's the price of letting me give a campaign speech before a joint session of Congress in an election year.
Thank you very much. God bless you, and God help the United States of America.