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I left the big city last night to check on the farm. As the sun was about to set over the glistening Rappahannock, I was startled to hear a “whizzing sound.” A giant frisbee appeared out of nowhere. It hovered over the dock and landed on the sand beach. Three goofy looking guys popped the top and made their presence known. I yelled over to them “are you boys lost?” They replied that they were from the Planet Dork. All three were brothers, Darrell, Darrell and Darrell Dork. Now, you may think “Dork” is a strange name for a planet, but these fellas looked just like Chuck Schumer, so it all made sense to me.

They were friendly. I offered each a can of beer, which strangely they pushed into  a hole in the top of their heads. Out of their mouths came the empty beer can, all folded up into a recyclable, small block of aluminum. Pretty cool. They mentioned that they were on an exploratory mission to learn about the United States and were on their way home. We chatted and then I gave them directions to Bud’s filling station where they could gas up and grab a coke and some nabs before the long ride home.

This morning I noticed a thumb drive that must’ve fallen out of Darrell’s pocket. I plugged it into my computer, and by golly, it contained their entire written report on their findings! Here are some excerpts:

To: King Darius the Dork, Supreme Leader of all Dorks

            I googled Darius Dork and he looks exactly like Jerry Nadler. He even wears his pants hiked up to his chest

From: The Three Darrells

The political system in the US is the exact opposite from that of Dork. Where we strive to be led by the smartest and most honorable among us, the Americans pick the stupidest and most dishonest of humans to run their political affairs.

Their Supreme leader is not very good with money. He recently bought his son a two day romp with a Russian hooker and paid 3 times the going rate! Ironically, his son is very good with money. Everywhere he goes people throw money at him. He’s like magnet!

There are two political parties, the Democrats and the Republicans.

The Democrats’ chief job is to spread fear and create fake crises. They then purport to be able to solve the fake crisis if Americans give them more money. The American legislative body is known as the Congress which Democrats control. Democrats are all trained in rhetorical skills where they seduce the public with august and noble goals in order to rob them blind.  The chief responsibility of Congress is to come up with really catchy names for legislative initiatives that do the opposite of what the catchy name implies. For example, the “For The People Act”  is a new law proposed by the Democrats. Its chief purpose is to turn America into a one party state where members of Congress can each live lavishly on their countryside dacha on the backs of the 'People' they claim to represent.

The Republicans are quite different than the Democrats. Their chief job is to cower in fear and hide under their beds. As best we can tell, somewhere in the US Constitution there is clause that states that Republicans may not serve in the Congress unless they have no testosterone or central vertebrae. Testosterone is a substance that American males used to have in abundance. It helped them conquer the wilderness, tame the west and win two world wars.

The Democrats are highly emotional and think on a 6th grade level,  but just like the Targaryens  in the Game of Thrones, they have a secret weapon.  Their secret weapon is the word “racism.” The mere utterance of this word makes the Republicans totally submissive to the Democrats,  kind of like Crocodile Dundee hypnotizing rabid Doberman Pinschers. If the Democrats merely utter this word, the Republicans prostrate themselves, fall to their knees and all exclaim in unison  “please riot, assault my constituents and burn down their houses!”

Ironically, everything that is good in America is proclaimed to be bad by the Democrats. Republicans don’t necessarily feel this way; however, they are content to stay in their sewing circles reading the Ladies’ Home Journal and keeping  their mouths shut. Their # 1 goal is to have the Democrats like them.

The earth has been a pretty sucky place to live for a few billion years, but the United States has this economic system called “capitalism.” Due to capitalism, Americans live in a state of luxury and wealth that no earthling could have ever imagined even 50 years ago.  Virtually every American has a higher standard of living, increased life span, more leisure time, better educational prospects, cleaner water, better housing and  more creature comforts than any person in any generation before them. The Democrats at least rhetorically claim to want to do away with capitalism. We are not sure why, but we think it has something to do with how angry much of their constituency is. 

The Democrats also suffer under some pretty serious delusions, but since the Low-T Republicans have no fight to challenge them, many Americans believe the damnedest things. Perhaps the most absurd has to do with the two different types of humanoids, the males and the females. They are profoundly different. The males like to scratch themselves and burp, and the females like to complain to other females about the males they know who scratch themselves and burp. The females take retribution against the males by being late for everything and making the males wait for them.   The Democrats think that a scratching and burping humanoid can suddenly decide to become a perpetually late humanoid. It is absolutely and totally preposterous.

Fossil fuels are responsible for the incredible wealth and advancement of American civilization. Democrats hate fossil fuels. They believe that fossil fuels contribute to climate change, even though there is no legitimate evidence to this effect. Therefore, they believe in electric cars. Yet, it has not dawned on them that the electricity to fuel electric cars is generated by fossil fuels. In their minds, this conundrum can all be solved if they can somehow keep cows from farting.

No matter how ludicrous the Democrats belief system is, the Republicans try and compromise with them. Currently, the Democrats have a child sacrifice bill in committee, the Happy Child Act. The bill calls for sacrificing 1,000 children/month in a pagan earth ritual to stop climate change. The Republicans are outraged by the bill,  and are fighting back by offering that only 500 children be sacrificed a month…….

The Darrells zipped back by this morning. I offered them coffee, unfortunately using my mother’s nice china. They asked if I had seen their thumb drive. I “fessed” up and told them I read their report,  and thought that they were amazingly accurate. They thanked me and before leaving they said they had one more nagging question they would like answered:

“Did Carole Baskin really murder her husband?”

Robert C. Smith is Managing Partner of Chartwell Capital Advisors

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