After last week’s jaw dropping news that Donald Trump was dropping out of the presidential race and the Republican Party nominating Rob Smith is his stead, the whole country has been clamoring to know “who is this Smith guy and what is his platform?” Today while standing on his front porch in Richmond, Virginia, he gave opening remarks and then answered journalists’ questions for 8 hours. Here is a recap from today’s historic press conference:
“Good morning pinhead journalists. I know you are going to ask a bunch of stupid questions that have no relevance to governing this country. So, before we get started, YES, I DID ALL THOSE THINGS. Stink bombs in Mrs. Douglas’s 3rd grade class. Nekid, grain alcohol induced revelry at the University of Virginia. I’ve told a ton of ethnic jokes. In the 6th grade, Tyler Walker and I were smoking cigarettes and accidentally burned a building down. A year or two later, Tyler’s brother Bob and I had a fella empty all 3 rounds of his shotgun at us. We deserved it. I broke environmental laws once by removing asbestos pipe wrapping and throwing it in the city dumpster. 10 minutes of work saved $5,000. I got thrown in jail for being at Sweet Briar after hours. I’ve also spent the night in the Nantucket and Chapel Hill jails. The best jail food in the entire United States is in Chapel Hill. I’d recommend getting a DUI there just for the culinary experience. I’ve bought beer with a fake ID. Insensitive cultural appropriation at costume parties? Well, if that’s what you want to call it, yeah I’ve done that too, but unlike Ralph Northam, I don’t apologize for it. In fact, whatever you dig up on me, I own it. In fact, I’ll be glad to regale you with stories of every un-PC thing I’ve ever done.
Rachael Maddow interrupting: Mr. Smith, do you actually think you can win this race?
“Yes sir, I do.
All my economic policies are centered around a philosophy, and that is the smaller the government and the less intrusive it is, the better. That means less taxes and less regulation, and a drastic reduction in the federal work force and federal spending. Every nickel the government spends comes from the productivity generated in the private sector. Capital left in the private sector is 100 times more effective in solving societal ills than giving that hard earned money to the feckless government. Inherent in the concept of liberty is personal responsibility. We’ve created a nation of dependent crybabies. People aren’t stupid, and if the government gets out of the way, people will, by necessity, find ways to be independent of the government and a capital rich private sector will lead the way through innovation and creatively destroying stagnant paradigms in favor of new and efficient market-oriented systems that are flexible and efficient.”
Don Lemon interrupting: Don’t you think a loving and caring government should help its citizens?
“Well Don, it’s sort of like a gay guy walking into a bar in the Hamptons and grabbing a straight guy in the crotch. That’s not love. It’s unwanted coercion. Americans want to be left alone. They don’t want the government or you grabbing them in the crotch.
My foreign policy is also centered on a grounded realpolitik foundation. Speak softly and carry a big stick. The “big stick” is created by a thriving and dynamic economy. Smart nations want to be connected to the world’s economic powerhouse. International trade creates friendly nations. Instead of funding proxy wars, the United States should fund initiatives to illustrate to citizens of aggressive worldwide actors that war is stupid, but every nation has the opportunity to be rich if it follows our Anglo-American system of laws, capital formation and free trade. I know you journalists know nothing about the real world, but economics is not a zero-sum game. We want other nations to be rich.
Taylor Lorenz interrupting, she begins to cry and then breaks into full sobbing: that was really mean of you to say, you hurt my feelings. I grew up in Old Greenwich and went to a Swiss boarding school. What’s your policy on providing free coloring books and therapy dogs for emotionally unstable elitists like me?
“Well Taylor, this opens the door for me to talk about education. I plan to eliminate the Department of Education and all federal funding, student loans, grants and federal programs that support any means of education. This will reduce the costs of education by 80% and create innovative market-based distribution systems where the consumer chooses what to learn, instead of being told what to learn by overpaid academic elites. In a market-based education system, no one will pay for the type of woke nonsense that has created a generation of crybabies like yourself. Would you like a Kleenex?”
Jeffrey Toobin interrupts: How do you propose to cut the size of government?
“Well Jeffrey if you fiddle with your fiddlestick, instead of taking bold action, it will never get done. I plan to fire everybody in government on Day One and then only hire back the ones who behave themselves during Zoom calls.”
Joy Reid: What’s your position on DEI and affirmative action?
“Well Joy, some people have hair and some people are bald. It’s just the way life is. Some have abilities and some don’t. Then there are those who shave their heads bald and then cry that they are being discriminated against because they are bald. It’s like being admitted to Harvard with a 700 SAT score and then complaining about being a victim. I’m pretty sure you can relate.
Back to my philosophy of government. Man is corruptible, and all governments are made of men. Governments always drift towards corruption and ultimately become totally corrupt, until there is a major correction, which usually involves violence. There’s a reason that Thomas Jefferson said, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” We have reached total corruption.
Smith kept talking for hours, unafraid to field questions with brutal honesty. The Mainstream Media was completely bowled over. Never had they heard such courage and cogent thinking. The event ended when police were called to the scene. Brooke Baldwin, Kaillan Collins and Abby Huntsman got into a cat fight and hair pulling tussle trying to win Smith’s affections.
The evening ended and the crowd dispersed, but as the paddy wagon pulled away, Kaillan Collins could be heard screaming out the back, “I want you Rob…., take me, I’m yours……
