Supreme Leader:
Fellas, no need to worry about anything. I know what I’m doing. Have I ever steered you wrong? Didn’t I manipulate the West—and that hick peanut farmer—back in 1979? Remember when Tehran was just like any Western city under the Shah? I organized violent street protests to make it look like the whole country was against him, and that fool Jimmy Carter ate it up!
I’m telling you, boys, U.S. Presidents are pushovers! Remember when one of our proxies killed 241 U.S. Marines in 1983?
Malcolm the Mullah:
But Supreme Leader, I’m worried about this guy Trump. He seems... different.
Supreme Leader:
Pass the goat turds. I’m hungry—I didn’t have breakfast. I’m telling you, boys, they’re all Neville Chamberlains. All we have to do is string them along and we’ll get whatever we want. Remember when Hillary gave us our uranium? Straight out of the Leninist playbook: the West giving us the rope to hang them with. My mouth’s dry—hand me that pitcher of goat urine.
Mike the Mullah:
But Supreme Leader, look what Trump did in his first term—he wiped out ISIS in 60 days.
Supreme Leader:
ISIS, SMISIS! Remember when Obama gave us $1.5 billion in cash, under cover of night, just because we said we wouldn’t build a nuclear bomb? And he trusted us!
Chorus of Mullahs:
(All laugh in unison.)
Mike the Mullah:
Ha! Ha! Ha! I can’t stop laughing. This reminds me of that scene in Animal House when Otter tells Flounder, “You f**ked up. You trusted us!”
Mickey the Mullah:
And how about that demented old fool Biden? He unfroze our assets and gave us $17 billion! Here we are, spreading terror across the globe—we’ve killed over a thousand Americans—and he still gives us money! What a fool.
Matt the Mullah:
I agree, Mickey. Most of that money’s used to radicalize college students at places like Columbia and Harvard! What a bunch of soft-headed imbeciles. We’ve taught two generations of American students to hate Israel—while loudly declaring we want to kill all Americans!
Chorus of Mullahs:
(Laughs again.) Ha! Ha! Ha!
Mark the Mullah:
I bet if we took a poll, the biggest bonehead loser in American politics would be John Kerry—hands down.
Mike the Mullah:
Yes! He actually signed a treaty that allowed us to develop a nuclear weapon. Gosh, these people are idiots.
Mickey the Mullah:
Hey Supreme Leader, we’re all out of goat turds. Is it okay if we break for lunch?
Malcolm the Mullah:
Yeah, and there’s a good stoning today at Azadi Square. Starts at noon. Some woman caught humming a Keith Urban song from the land of the Great Satan.
Matt the Mullah:
He’s not really “country.” He’s like what Jeff Gordon is to NASCAR. They should stone her twice.
Supreme Leader:
Alright fellas, enough gibberish. Let’s break for lunch. There’s a concession stand at the stoning that sells camel nuts. And there are some 5-pound rocks out back if any of y’all want to participate in the stoning.
BACK FROM LUNCH
Supreme Leader:
Well, fellas, I think we covered everything this morning. I believe we all agree—we can keep extracting concessions from the West until we’re ready to destroy Israel and the U.S. with a nuclear bomb.
Matt the Mullah:
Yes, Supreme Leader. We’ve got it made. It’s my greatest dream to wipe out Israel, but even if they win and we all die as martyrs—we still get 72 virgins in heaven!
Malcolm the Mullah:
Yeah, we win either way. Supreme Leader, do we get to choose our 72 virgins, or does Allah assign them? I’d like at least a couple of redheads.
Mark the Mullah:
Those camel nuts were pretty good—except they ran out of ketchup. Supreme Leader, I assume we’ll get to eat whatever we want in heaven?
KABOOM!
Mike the Mullah:
What was that!?
Malcolm the Mullah:
I think the Great Satan dropped the big one on us!
Mickey the Mullah:
OMG—we’re martyrs! WHERE DEM VIRGINS AT!?
Supreme Leader:
Look over there! There’s Sharon, Trixie, Monica, Susan, Veronica, Jane, Lucy, Amy, Evelyn, Julia, Debbie, Suzy... flocks and flocks of them!
Matt the Mullah:
But Supreme Leader—they’re all GOATS! Baaaa.
Supreme Leader:
Well, yeah. But they’re all virgins! Ha!
Y’all f**ked up. You trusted me!
