It is the year 2125.
A long time ago, in a far-away land of kings and queens (not all queens in those times were the crown-wearing kind), there was a kingdom ruled by knaves and fools. Its kings and ministers issued imbecilic decrees creating pie-in-the-sky schemes at odds with basic economics and all levels of human nature. These “programs” inevitably failed, as everyone knew would happen prior to their enactment. Always, the new program became a total bust, hemorrhaging money and hurting everyone it was designed to help.
Indeed, billions of shiny gold coins were spent to “fix” perceived problems, but all such problems became much worse after the gold was spent. As Nero and his ministers fiddle, the expensive scheme becomes consumed by bright red flames. Then the politicians who created the unholy mess scream, “We must save this sacred program! People will die. Children will starve. Widows and orphans will be reduced to eating cat food and sleeping out in the cold!” Instead of simply acknowledging their failure to be wise stewards of the kingdom’s riches and shutting down the bad idea, the king’s ministers and lords of the legislature would always appropriate massive amounts of newly-minted gold coins to put out the flames, save the discredited program, and make matters worse than they ever were.
The preceding is not only the history of all governments but also the history of Obamacare, a legislative initiative enacted 113 years ago. It reached its Waterloo exactly 100 years ago, when a deranged group of power-hungry psychopaths shut down a great kingdom’s government by blocking the king from accessing the royal treasury in hopes that the black-hearted devils could coerce the king into reviving this ancient and failed legislative artifact.
So, boys and girls, sit back as Uncle Rob tells you the story of Obamacare.
Back in that day, there was a charlatan from Chicago who could mesmerize the masses with his silvery but forked tongue. Apparently, he bathed regularly and smelled good, as even his most ardent rival in the battle to be king, Prince Senility, acknowledged that he was “clean.” At that time, health insurance was the vehicle most people used to pay for health-related medical issues. In some instances, people could not get health insurance due to pre-existing conditions. This was considered by the hapless and weak-minded to be grossly unfair, but no one in the country—except for Sir Rob Is Right of Runnymede—understood how to lower costs and help those who needed help.
Sir Rob was a tall, handsome fellow, Adonis-like, but with the wisdom of Solomon. He explained to the king and his council: “The whole point of insurance is to spread risks and make costs predictable using ‘the rule of large numbers.’ Insurance is divided into multiple classifications depending on perceived risks. It is a business that creates tremendous efficiencies where participants pay a small amount of money to keep from paying an overwhelming amount of money due to an unforeseen and tragic event.”
In 2009, the “clean” prince from Chicago became king. During his coronation, dressed in his Mom-jeans finery, he demanded that insurance companies insure those they didn’t want to and even told them what benefits to provide. Of course, if the clean, nice-smelling king got his way, insurance companies would cease to be insurance companies. Instead of being independent and market-based, they would become mere vassals of the king’s dominion and privilege.
At this time, Sir Rob Is Right, a true shining knight of truth and honor, was screaming like John the Baptist in the wilderness that the real problem in health care was the “third-party provider” system, which had been corrupted under King Roosevelt’s reign. Like Mad King Ludwig, King Roosevelt was an extravagant spender. Besides having a very unattractive wife, he knew little of economics and in 1942 initiated a decree enshrining wage and price controls. However, in violation of these mad economic principles, King Roosevelt allowed employers to give health insurance to employees without causing an increase in wages. Subsequently, the IRS allowed these premiums to be tax-deductible by the employer, but not by the individual employee. COMPLETE MADNESS!
Thus, control over one’s own health care and its expense was suddenly controlled by bean counters in far-away castles rather than by the actual consumer whose labor provided the money to pay for such services. Sir Rob Is Right explained all this during the Clean Good-Smelling King’s rule, but his ministers and all his councilors—indeed, all inhabiting King’s Landing—were ninny-fied dolts and simpletons, intoxicated on a mead called “Power.”
Thus, in this political Game of Thrones, the two leading families of the realm, the Democrats and the Republicans, battled it out, and the Clean Good-Smelling King’s legions won the day. Not one Republican voted for the decree the king, in all his vain glory, named after himself. Obamacare was born.
It mandated that everyone in the realm buy health insurance—but only health insurance approved by the king. Premiums could no longer reflect individual health risks, but in a sop to the king’s new vassal state—the health-insurance industry—he bestowed great treasure. The insurance companies had no choice but to raise premiums higher than Rapunzel’s tower. The king bought their loyalty by subsidizing the lowly thralls, serfs, and peasants who were forced to purchase from the insurance companies what they didn’t need or want.
The silvery but forked-tongue king kept the realm’s lords, knights, and guild members from revolting and storming his castle by telling them that if they “liked their doctor, they could keep their doctor,” but this turned out to be untrue. An ominous omen, like a black raven on a windowsill, was the rollout of the Obamacare website, which cost the kingdom $1.5 billion. It was a disaster. Wayne and Garth could’ve built a better website from Wayne’s parents’ basement.
Next, the Clean King’s mandates were challenged in front of the Royal Court, as the government cannot mandate that the king’s subjects buy something they don’t want. In what looked like a 5–4 decision by the royal justices declaring that Obamacare violated the constraints of the sacred Royal Charter and would be declared null and void, Chief Judge Robert of Pusillanimousville switched his vote at the last moment. In twisted logic, he stated that the mandate was a “tax,” which was permitted by Royal Charter.
During the next few years, premiums skyrocketed for all who did not rely on the government subsidy. For example, Sir Rob Is Right had a Blue Cross policy just prior to Obamacare that cost only $85/month. In subsequent years, his health insurance ballooned to $1,000/month, even though he never used any medical services, as he was the kingdom’s most virile Lancelot.
In 2020, while King Donald of Orange was on the throne, a great plague infested the land. Thinking it would be of a bubonic nature, the king panicked, but later realized that it wasn’t a plague at all but a devious scheme by his Rasputin-like ministers to propel Prince Senility to the throne, which occurred the following year. King Senility, egged on by his more cognitively astute ministers, various court jesters, and Sir Autopen, rushed through the 2021 American Rescue Plan. It greatly expanded Obamacare’s tax credits and income caps, thus saving it once again from collapsing under the weight of its own idiocy.
24.3 million of the realm’s subjects took advantage of Obamacare’s subsidies, and 39% of these paid absolutely nothing. In addition, 71 million received free medical care through Medicaid insurance. 65.7 million receive “free” health care via Medicare. “Free” is italicized and captioned because technically these recipients paid money into an imaginary magic fund throughout their working lives, but Merlin and the king’s druids made the money disappear, and no one can find it.
By 2025, King Donald was back on the throne. His ministers and lords outnumbered the warriors still loyal to King Mom Jeans, who, as mentioned, were throwing a temper tantrum in an effort to get good King Donald and his councilors to once again bail out Obamacare.
But the issue was bigger than Obamacare. A very pointed article by Sir Rob Is Right appeared in the King’s Landing Post during the very apex of the shutdown. It is particularly brilliant and read as follows:
The real problem with medical costs is lack of a free market and a direct relationship between doctor and patient. Tax deductibility should be exclusively in the hands of the patient. Bill the patient directly. Drop the regulation and government control, and patients and providers will immediately devise a myriad of health-care plans with and without insurance companies. A million new medical industries and ways to take care of patient needs will mushroom overnight. Let people who didn’t go to medical school practice medicine. The market will separate the wheat from the chaff. Wasting trillions on inefficiencies and negative incentives will never help the poor as much as cutting the chains of government serfdom keeping Americans in bondage to a broken system. When Ma Bell broke up in 1984, all the experts and lobbyists said nobody would be able to figure out how to get phone service, but competition and deregulation led to an incredible technology and cost-savings revolution. Imagine what the paper-clip industry would be like if it had the government regulations the medical industry has. Paper clips would be scarce, of poor quality, and cost $40 apiece. Like Ma Bell, it’s time to wield Excalibur through the heart of Obamacare.
And boys and girls, do you know how the shutdown ended? (to be continued)…
