You boys, come inside.
“What’s up, Pops?”
Go to my office.
Have a seat.
I take off my leather belt, fold it in two, and then snap it. SNAP!
“Are we gonna get a whoopin’?!”
One of y’all for sure — maybe both of you.
Donnie, quit that pouting and sit up straight.
Elon, what the hell is wrong with you, son?
“Dad, he started it. He fired my friend Jared Isaacman!”
“I didn’t fire him, dipweed. I withdrew his nomination. Big difference.”
“You promised!”
“We never pinky-swore on it.”
Boys, calm down.
“He’s a turd.”
“Well, you’re a turd sandwich!”
Alright! I’m gonna wash both your mouths out with soap if y’all don’t get a grip.
“Look how small his hands are, Dad. He’s got a little tiny pee-pee!”
“Oh yeah? Let’s pull ‘em out and see whose is bigger. Dad, have you got a ruler?”
Boys, don’t embarrass yourselves. You can’t compete with your old man, so zip it up and pipe down.
Now Elon, how many times have I told you about loyalty? Remember the story of Ruth and Naomi? How about Old Yeller? If you work for someone, you give them your undivided loyalty — even after leaving. It’s a duty, son. When Robert E. Lee turned down the offer to lead all Union armies, he did it out of duty. There’s no higher calling for a man than to do his duty.
“But Dad! The Big Beautiful Bill is an abomination. The spending is out of control!”
I agree, son, but you don’t air your differences with a teammate in public. That’s what unhinged women do, and I expect you to behave like a man. You do something like that again, and I will make you wear a ballerina dress to school for a week!
Now Don, how many times have I told you not to take the bait? Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. How many times have I read that passage from Galatians to you? The highest form of manhood is to be a gentleman, to have composure — magnanimity!
It shows weakness to take the bait. It shows strength and manhood to rise above someone’s cheap criticism. I’m all for vigorous debate. I love how you insult the truly deplorable and the nicknames you give them — it shows fierce gumption — but Elon is your teammate.
I’ve coached all your sports teams. Do we ride our kicker for missing a field goal? Do we yell at our pitcher when he walks a batter? You know your brother is on the spectrum! You need to check yourself and think beyond yourself.
There’s going to be a ripple effect to this public feud. Folks are going to lose trust in you. You’ve got to be the bigger man. If you care what people think — and Jesus Christ, I know you do — then have them think of you as the bigger person than your mentally disturbed critic. Someone who can take slings and arrows and not be bothered.
You would have been well-served by just uttering, “Bless his heart.” Selling the Tesla? That’s just junior high school cheerleader petty, son. You’re the leader of the free world. If you want folks to have faith in your leadership, being petty ain’t helping.
“Dad, Elon just stuck his tongue out at me!”
“Did not!”
“Did so!”
“Dickweed!”
“Turd-breath!”
Stop it!
I snap my belt. SNAP!
Elon, you did a great job with DOGE. I believed every report you made to the public and all the numbers you provided. But once a man tells a mendacious lie — like you did about the DOJ sitting on the Epstein file because it would expose Donnie — you’ve lost all credibility. Especially when you sound like a scorned woman.
Who are you, Blanche DuBois?
Do you want me to start calling you Blanche?
Now I don’t know if I can believe you about all the DOGE fraud and waste, the 120-year-olds on Social Security, and the money laundering at USAID. Now that you’ve been such a bonehead, folks are going to question everything you say. That’s why you don’t lie.
You’ve also impugned the character of your family — including mine — and your 67 children.
“Dad, I only have 14 children.”
Whatever…..
It’s going to take a long time for you to rebuild your credibility, and the only way to do it is through honesty and good works. You’ve also let down the shareholders of your company — and all your employees.
It reminds me of 2018, when you went on the Joe Rogan show, rolled a joint, and smoked reefer. That was a dumb-ass move. Nobody wants a ganja-fiend stoner running their company.
“Sorry, Dad.”
Boy, the best thing you can do is a public mea culpa. Come clean. Say something like you’re working on your temper tantrums. Come across as humble and be totally honest, and you’ll go a long way toward mitigating this problem.
“See Dad, I told you he was a LOSER.”
Donnie, wipe that smirk off your face. You two shake hands.
Donnie, go outside and cut the grass — and don’t make J.D. do it like you did last time.
Elon, come with me behind the woodshed.
Bend over.
WHAP!
“Thank you, Sir. May I have another?”
WHAP!
“Thank you, Sir. May I have another?”
WHAP…
